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The People Above The Priests Fantasy Football League
July 27, 2010 – 16:08
The 14th of August hails the start of the Premier League Season, and also the first day of thepeopleabovethepriests.co.uk fantasy football league. The number of teams has more than doubled from last season; and the league will be more competitive than ever with some very astute players now competing. The following is a quick break down of the league, its members in order of their performance last season.
Player:Dan Strudwick Last Seasons Score:2344 Supported Team: Chelsea
Haz and Alex’s mate from Birmingham Uni. By far and away the highest scorer of last season, and has scored over the benchmark 2000 points for three years running. Works within the Sports betting industry and so is in a good position to make accurate decisions.
Player: Rogan Josh Last Seasons Score: 2230 S upported Team: Spurs
High score in terms of points last season, but was not entered in this league. Very different personality to his brother Saminda (and more points). Kept a backbone of players through the season, which included several Spurs players. If Spurs fail to produce will this be his undoing? Expect to his sibling rivalry heat up over the course of the season.
Player: Alex Yates Last Seasons Score: 2173 Supported Team: Wolves
Co- author of thepeopleabovethepriests.co.uk .Last seasons champion of thepeopleabovethepriests.co.uk fantasy football league and RAF Stanbridge League. Finished 4th in World Cup Fantasy Football, but only 6 points off top. Likes to have combination of the most expensive players and cheapest players on the game.
Player: David Willis Last Seasons Score: 2140 Supported Team: Newcastle
Works at RAF Stanbridge; On going feud with his brother Ian means that he fought right up to the last and finished second in the RAF Stanbridge league; a few points ahead of his brother, local simpleton Ian. Posted some big weekly scores last season, particularly when Torres his form. Struggled a bit when big names like Drogba, Torres and Rooney hit mid season indifferent form. Strong contender for the football experience prize that will go to the winner of the league.
Player: Ian Willis Last Seasons Score: 2110 Supported team: Pompey
Also works (between the hours of 1030-1600hrs).Third in last years in RAF Stanbridge league; leaving his charge far too late. Solid performer and genuine contender for the prize. Expect to see value spread out through the team with the likes of Gareth Bale, Dunne and Saha regular choices for Ian.
Player: Gary Smith Last Seasons Score: 2037 Supported team: Liverpool
In the RAF, Gary is similar to Villa in that he starts the season strongly but then goes missing (usually Skiing!) around the crucial Christmas period when the games come thick and fast. 3rd place; and only 5 points off top in the World Cup Fantasy Football. The nearly man of Fantasy Football as over the past few years has been up at the top but not close enough to mount a serious challenge. Expect to see Gerrard, Torres, Fabregas and Milner in his team.
Player: Chris Finch Last Seasons Score: 2000 Supported Team: Man Utd
Alex’s Brother in law; Broke the benchmark 2000 point mark last season and posted some very high weekly scores last season, but also some sub 50 point weeks which meant he was just out the title race. Was equally disgusted by Saminda’s ‘toy’s out the pram moment’. Expect to see Rooney, Lampard and Fabregas supplemented by the likes of Saha and Rodellega.
Player: Al Foster Last Seasons Score: 1872 Supported Team: Chelski
Ageing RAF Engineer; Good Fantasy Football pedigree as he won RAF Stanbridge League 2008/9 and Fantasy World Cup (only due to Howard Webb giving out more cards than Clintons). However, he struggled with the change from Telegraph to Official Premier League game, hence last season’s relatively poor performance. Expect to see Lampard in all season.
Player: Chris Pegram Last Seasons Score: 1829 Supported Team: Villa
Mascerades as an RAF Officer but actual output includes losing money on shares and buying his next over priced car; Started last season a couple of weeks late and made steady progress up the RAF Stanbridge League after that to finish towards the top end of mid table. Consistent performer although he tends to pick form players rather than going with his gut. Expect to see Milner, Agbonlahor and Dunn in his team all season.
Player: Saminda Tendulkar Last Seasons Score: 1848 Supported Team: Spurs
Co-Author of thepeopleabovethepriests.co.uk; Started off well last season when Spurs were doing well then shockingly stopped playing when it looked unlikely that he was going to win. If he can keep his heavy periods in check then he might be up there. Another one with the Spurs blinkers on, I will be surprised if he has any less than three spurs players in from the start.
Player: Andy Knaggs Last Seasons Score: 1782 Supported Team: Leeds
RAF Officer; Just wants to beat his wife. Posted his highest score last season and finished outside the top million players. Expects to see Phil Jagielka, he likes him a little too much if you ask me.
Player: Craig Percival Last Seasons Score: 1738 Supported Team: Spurs
Another RAF Officer; Possible dark horse as he didn’t have a competitive league to compete in last season. Expect to see Gareth Bale, Aaron Lennon and Jermaine Defoe in his team for the whole season!
Player: Harry ‘ HBK’ Barton Last Seasons Score: 1300 Supported Team: Man Utd
Co –author of thepeopleabovethepriests.co.uk; Setup his team last season and did not change it partly due to lack of understanding of game format and mainly due to laziness. Hence why last season Haz started with Jamie Carragher as captain for every game season. Expect to see more of an effort along with some left of centre team selections, for instance Fabio.
Player: Jono Drysdale Last Seasons Score: N/A Supported Team: Pompey
In the RAF and big footy fan; No previous form as he played the Telegraph game up to now. The game is very different with more on an emphasis on squad management. The question is he can he make the transition? I don’t know.
Player: Billy Ringstead Last Season Score: N/A Supported Team: Liverpool
Long time servant of RAF; Another virgin to the game but seems keen. Expect to see the Liverpool blinkers on so Johnson, Gerrard and Torres would be my guess.
Player: Anti Sam Last Seasons Score: n/a Supported Team: Arsenal
Saminda’s arch enemy; expect to see his team all the players that Saminda has been in relationship with. Also David Bentley as Captain.
Premier League Wish List
July 16, 2010 – 14:06
The following is a list of things I would like to see next season:
1. Penalties given against the top teams
2. The FA Punishing one of the top teams
3. West Ham to struggle as I love hearing their fans complain. They still think they are as big as when Bobby Moore was playing. WAKE UP! You hav Anton Ferdinand at centre back!
4. Man City to finish outside the top six. I dont think they will but I cannot support the shameless way they have tried to buy success.
5. Blackpool Away! What an away game to go to, complete with old school stadium. Pull on your shell suit, grow a mullet and you are back in the 1980′s.
6. Players to keep their kids indoors. Recent seasons have seen the Champions elect bring their kids on the pitch. The likes of Frank Lamapard parading their young relatives around. Leave them at home, we are not interested.
7. Wigan to get relegated. Any team that cannot their avergae gate above 16,ooo in the Premier League is a joke. Considering most teams travel with around 4,000 that means they provide 12,000 a week.
8. Wayne Rooney to score a goal from outside the box. A grand total of 0% of his goals were scored from outsid the 18 yard box last season. Poor show.
9. David Bentley not to play. Is he the most overated and overpaid player in the Premier League? Yes
10. New top four? One of the stories of this season for me will be whether an ageing Chelsea and Man Utd Squad, along with an Arsenal side that looks short of strikers can fend off Man City, Villa, Spurs, Everton and Liverpool. The opportunity is there for one of these teams.
Top 10 Moves Tottenham Must Make to Compete
July 16, 2010 – 13:47
I don’t like making a habit of promoting other blogs, but I found this quite amusing, particularly how the author refers to ‘the’ Tottenham Hotspurs (think he might be getting confused with a certain San Antonio basketball team). I’d be interested to hear the views of any Spurs fans reading…
Official Statement from the people above the priests
July 15, 2010 – 13:33
This statement is in response to recent claims by certain elements of the readership of this blog.
The individual known to the readership (who for privacy reasons has had his name blanked out in places to avoid google searches) as S*m DOES exist. He is not an urban legend or a figment of Haz or Alex’s imagination.
There have been several sightings of him over the past few weeks. This including several in the village of Rothbury near Newcastle. These are unconfirmed. Other rumours include that he is acting as an agent for a number of the North Korean World Cup football squad.
Any sightings of this elusive individual would be more than welcome as we try to build up a picture of his movements
Question and Answer with S*m T*n*d*t*r
July 9, 2010 – 13:18
I realise that in the past myself and Harry have been guilty of posing certain leading questions to further our own amusement.
To counter this what I propose is a set of scenario based interview questions that can be done via email, and subsequently posted on the blog. Disclaimers can be added that all the questions are not based on real events. I have come up with the following questions:
Question 1) You are a member of medium sized department of an public sector organisation. You are looking to gain a competitive advantage over your colleagues to get promoted quicker. Would you consider the following (comment upon each)
a. Walking around with an epic bunch of keys so that people think you are more important
Answer: This could have the opposite effect. Instead people might just think I am smartly dressed caretaker. So I would have to counter this in two ways. 1.) repeatedly remind people that only important and trusted people get keys, strengthening this argument by getting my own giant ‘fake’ keys to imaginary secret rooms cut. I can then tell people that I have access to top secret stores and information rooms. 2.) hire somebody to go around stealing everybody elses keys. That way people will need to come to me, allowing me to ask for favours in return.
b. Carry folders around that have in big letters on the front ‘SECRET : OPERATION BLADE’, again so people think you are important
Answer: Yes I would favour “TOP SECRET – ONLY AUTHORISED INDIVIDUALS PERMITED TO TOUCH – OPERATION VIPER. IF FOUND REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO THE SECRETARY OF SALVADOR TORRINO” I would leave them lying around, filled with copies of World Wrestling Entertainment Magazine, knowing that people would be to afraid to open the files.
c. Play the gay card, as part of positive discrimination
Answer: This would depend on whether a.) there were other gays to compete with and b.) whether I think my manager is more likely to promote a gay. Overall I think it wouldn’t make much difference, so probably wouldn’t change things.
d. Play the black card as part of positive discrimination
Answer: How? Shoe polish would not work. A synthetic mask like the diamond robbers would be better. Maybe I could have masks for each person in the office, and play people off against each other – including pretending that others are racist. Or just say I am black, and hope that is such an equal organisation that people simply just do not notice the difference between ethnic races, if not try to persuade people they are colour blind.
Question 2) You have two very good friends who are jibing a certain individual. You defend the individual to your friends, who make a comment that you would never sleep with them. Would you sleep with someone on principal?
Answer: I would prefer a bed rather than a principal
Question 3) Do you consider yourself above the law, if no where do you see yourself in relation to the law (in all 4 dimensions)?
Answer: Dimension 1: the laws, Dimension 2: the police, Dimension 3: the courts, Dimension 4: the prisons. I consider myself to be an observer.
Question 4) Do you accept that Father Christmas does not exist? If you do not believe he does, do you think that parents lying to children from an early age promotes dishonesty in our society and what remedial action would you take?
Answer: I think it is a good test of how clever your kid is. If your son still belives when he starts secondary school, you at least know not to bother with fees for some high achieving private school. But I would make the story a bit more realistic (i.e. replace the reindeer and slays with ufo’s and robots)
Question 5) You are attending a close friends wedding. You arrive in good time with gift in hand. The service goes well and at the reception you are making good progress with small talk, wooing the guests with your anecdotes relating to your travels and a particularly enjoyable trip you took up the Thames in the past few weeks. The subject turns to the role of the EU in relation to working practices, such as the differences in behaviour of the average worker in a nation state and also attitudes to tax. A close family friend of the groom’s father makes a remark about greeks (as he is greek) and how they don’t pay tax.
The following morning your face is splashed all across the news as your conversation about tax avoidance has been secretly filmed and you are been implicated. When you arrive back at work on Monday you are called into your boss’s office and he informs you that you are required to clear your desk as they have no room for further scandal relating to your financial matters.
Your career in tatters, your family disowning you and your name besmirched in the press you turn to your friends for support. They support you fully. You decide to bake them a cake to say thank you. What cake do you bake?
Answer: A chicken cake
Question 6) The non-married friend of yours has become very close to you. So much so that his long term girlfriend leaves him. With both of you not getting any younger, you decide to talk to him about taking your relationship to the next level. You round second base and indeed 3rd and 4th follow very quickly.
Several months down the line he becomes more demanding in the bedroom. Demanding 2/3 of the bed to sleep because of some bizarre disorder. You are becoming increasing alienated from your other friend and family ass he demands you stay in to watch classic wrestling matches and drink Tropicana. You end the relationship and he gets back with his former girlfriend.
You go on the internet and a system message asks if you want update your Java script. Do you do it now or later?
Answer: I never do it. I just click later into enternity.
Summer Transfers..or lack of
July 8, 2010 – 16:45
The World Cup is nearly out the way, and with players returning to pre-season training there is only a couple of months for teams to strengthen their teams. The transfer market has been decidedly slow, due in part to the World Cup im sure; but the new rules on naming a squad of 25 that cannot be altered until the January transfer window (even if players are injured) is impacting as well.
In terms of the top three; Chelsea would appear to have the strongest squad and have supplemented their midfield with Benyoun. That looks a smart signing at £4m. Arsene Wenger has bought in two young talents from the French league (surprise surprise), I expect them to take time to adjust to the English game. Man Utd have got Smalling to the training camp after he spent last season on loan to Fulham, as well as a South American, Hernandez. Your guess is as good as mine with him, but the former champions squad needs to bring in players up front and in midfield. Title challengers flattered them last season, as Giggs, Scholes and Neville put in some heroic performances considering their age. I cant see them continuing this into their early forties, so Sir Alex better get his cheque book out and spend some of that Ronaldo money!
The group of would be title challengers, Spurs, Man City, Liverpool and Villa have had varying fortunes in the summer transfer market. Man City have paid too much (as usual) for Boateng (German defender), Yaya Toure (on a reported 220k a week) and the strong signing of David Silva. All players are of undisputed quality and are at least a large percentage of the remaining jigsaw pieces if not all. Villa have an unchanged squad and will be pleased to start the season with James Milner still in claret and blue. They still need a striker in my opinion, Heskey and Carew are one dimensional and Agbonlahor is hit and miss. Spurs have not added to their squad. Im sure ‘Arry will bring in players that they will need with the extra European games . Joe Cole would be up their if I was Harry, however Shawn ‘move from big club to big club to play in the reserves’ Wright-Philips has been linked to Spurs. I believe that Spurs already have an over rated, over paid crap midfielder called David Bentley.
The Liverpool saga could be a whole other website never mind paragraph. Reports that Torres and Gerrard are on their way out. Also that Gerrard got his sister in law pregnant are just a few of the whispers from Anfield. In short if Liverpool lose either or both of Torres or Gerrard the will say goodbye to the slim hopes they have of regaining a top four spot. Roy Hodgson has an unenviable job. It will be very interesting though to see what squad they start the season with.
The three promoted teams have not been over active in the transfer market. The shit (*lbion) have spent 800k on two players, and need to keep hold of Dorran’s who is under offer. Newcastle look short of any premier league pedigree having signed only Perch from Forrest. Whilst Blackpool have yet to secure even the players they loaned in last season, and so could start the season with a worse squad than last season. I wish them all the best as I admire their achievements and am looking forward to a day out when Wolves go up there. All three need to get quality players in quick or I fear they could leave amidst the same company they came up with.
The pick of the rest for me is Bolton’s free signing of Petrov. In a word; inspired. Top quality player who will anchor Bolton’s team im sure (one for the old fantasy football!). However, Robbie Blake to Bolton; uninspired. Blackburn are another unchanged squad. Wigan have signed Estudiantes de La Plata’s star player (!!!), Bosellii. Incidentally Wigan are going to be keeping Blackpool and friends company this season in my opinion. West ‘Am have bought Hitzelsperger from Lazio. Mmmmm he wasn’t that good at Villa so what’s changed? Im sure he will prove me wrong! Everton have signed Beckford who, I will stick my neck out and say will not usurp Saha or Yakubu from their starting XI. Although I do think Moyles’s team are one to watch next season. Fulham conversely are going to slide as I think they will struggle to replace Hodgson who worked wonders on a limited budget. Sunderland and Stoke have made a couple of ok-ish signings. Their squads aren’t great but still enough to finish comfortably above relegation.
Birmingham have been flashing the cash and have signed Zigic, Foster and Valles. Foster wont be as good as Hart and im not convinced about the two Johny foreigners. Blues were woeful the back end of last season, winning only one of their last ten games (and that was against relegated Burnley). I expect them to start the season that way unless the squad changes. The mighty Wolves have spent £18m, on Hunt, Fletcher, Mouyokolo and Van Damme. The later will come in at left back whilst Fletcher will accompany rising star Doyle. However I am realistic I expect us to consolidate a position comfortably above the bottom three.
As things stand and purely to spark debate, with the squads as they stand this is how I believe the Premier League would finish:
Chelsea
Man Utd
Arsenal
Man City
——–
Everton
Spurs
Villa
——–
Liverpool
Bolton
Sunderland
Blackburn
Fulham
Stoke
Wolves
Birmingham
West Ham
Newcastle
——–
Wigan
The Shit
Blackpool
Tip for all Premier League teams when they play Wolves next Season
June 30, 2010 – 14:39
In order to stop Jody Craddock you must become Jody Craddock